Saturday, September 3, 2016

48 to 8: Thoughts on Menopause

I am the exact opposite of my 8-year-old reproductive self.  Just before the visible edge of a distant shore of some unalterable biological event that will deeply change my life.  Change me in many ways to my detriment and ultimate demise as well as to my ultimate enlightenment and liberation, or both, or neither or something else entirely.  I cannot stop it or change it and I am not in control of the physical path it will take.  All I can do is accept and adapt to use this for growth.

I am afraid of what it will mean for my body.  When I was propelled by the drive of birth, I had the full horsepower of my species’ reproductive necessity pulling me inexorably forward and healing my wounds, all my ancestors and my evolution contrived to bring me to that point, to move my genetic material into the next generation; to serve the relentless gene. 

Then for many years my reproductive viability was a fact of life; something to always remember and be aware of. The great thrum of my reproductive engine was a constant, penetrating, command in the very calcium of my bones and the elasticity of my flesh.   

The drives it engendered, the pleasure, the danger, the pain, the joy, all substantially shaping me as a person physically, spiritually, socially now soon to fundamentally change with the end result to my consciousness as ultimately dramatic as my birth.

What will I find when the thrum quiets, will I be courageous or craven, adaptable or frozen, joyful or bitter?  The last time reproduction transformed me I was not conscious, I was a child.  Now I have the gift and curse of being aware of my own transformation and able to, at least dimly, perceive the context. This time I have a measure of influence, an awareness of the opportunity and advantage that can best come during resounding change.   

The profundity makes me pine for my elders.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Simple Woman's Daybook, almost a year after my last post

Outside my window: The sky is blue with tiny clouds. It is kind of shocking since it has been raining here for about a month. I wonder if this means I should hold off on my ark construction.

I am thinking about: The effects of being in perimenopause and the reverse of puberty and what it all means for me as a person and for my body. Unstoppable, irreversible, life changing.  I am the reverse of an 8 year old girl. Oh joy.

I am thankful for: My excellent dental insurance. I had to have 2 teeth pulled and a good deep cleaning as well as restoration for the holes left behind from said pulling. For all that (including a partial, god I’m old) it was only about $300.00. Insurance is a beautiful thing.

From the kitchen: My new low carb food love is spaghetti squash. Very easy to make (poke holes in it with a long knife and nuke for about 8 minutes, clean out the seeds and goo and voila instant pretend pasta)

I am wearing: Navy linen pants, matching navy linen jacket, teal blue silk shell, gold and lapis necklace, gold pearl earrings and grey trail runners. I have a work thing at a hospital later today and it is a looonnnggg walk. I’ll put on my sensible low heeled navy pumps once I get there.

I am creating: A grand rounds education for my neurosurgeons

I am going to: My niece’s wedding in a few weeks, I am so excited. I haven’t seen my extended family since my grandma died about 18 years ago and I am looking forward to catching up on their crazy antics.

I am reading: I just finished “The Obstacle is the Way” by Holiday. TOITW is a modern application of stoicism and it was excellent. I am now rereading "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius. I will be reading more of the source material for the book from the original sources, hello Seneca next.

  I am hoping to: Clean and reorganize my bedroom and bathroom. Both need some freshening up with some new paint and perhaps some rearranging of the furniture

 I am hearing: A conversation between a 1st year and a 4th year resident about one of the professors and what the professor generally wants and how to be successful in his class.

Around the house: My garden has gone to pot. All the rain and the heat have turned almost everything except the ferns yellow. Texas summers are hard to keep the garden together through.

One of my favorite things: I really love sitting in my big comfy chair with a book and using my dog as a back support pillow.

A few plans for the rest of the week: The week is almost over but for the long weekend I am planning on going domestic and cleaning everything not moving and cooking for next week’s lunches and dinners.

Words I am pondering: "The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way” Marcus Aurelius

Here is a picture I am sharing: Me at the zoo from Christmas time


Saturday, September 19, 2015

Eleven Questions

So Since it as been about hmmmm 2 years since I have posted anything I am going to start easy with a blogging device I got from my friend Salome Ellen
1. What is your favorite type of cheese?  
That is really a hard question because I a a dyed in the wool fromageophile.  I really love soft goat cheese especially when there are tasty herbs mixed in with some garlic.  Then again there is that triple cream brie with slightly tart apples that I am also gaga for.  Oooh and horseradish cheddar so good on roast beef. Wait, wait wait, super sharp cheddar, ooh ooh and roquefort wait don't forget smoked gouda then again .....  

2. What are you excited about? 
(other than cheese ha ha) I am really looking forward to my new job.  I am going to get to teach again but this time for enough money to allow me to pay my student loans, live in doors and pay as I go for  my master's.  Also I am going to a professional convention in Vegas which is awesome because of course hobnobbing with other healthcare law geeks but also because I am staying with my very good friend the grand Duchess of Vegas.

3. How did you celebrate your last birthday?  
Hmm I don't remember, I think I went out to dinner with friends. 

4. What is on your bedside table?  
My prized Star Trek light, pain reliever, dog treats, books, journal, pen, probably earrings

5. What do you order from the movie theater concession stand? 
Coke Icee 

6. Do you have a garden? What’s growing? 
Nope Texas summer killed it 

7. Any summer plans? 
Since summer is about a year away  I am gonna have to get back to you on that 

8. Which TV couple(s) are you rooting for? 
June and Ward 

9. What’s the last thing you bought?  
Electricity (I paid bills today) 

10. What’s one thing you are passionate about? 
The transformative power of education 

11. What are you grateful for this week? 
My new job!  

Thursday, August 9, 2012

6 Random thoughts

1.I think I have started to make up for the last 4 years lack of sleep, I ain’t sayin’ I’m done but I think I can start to ease up.

2. I feel physically good, really good; I can take the long way around and enjoy it. I have energy to spare, which leads me to

3. I think I have finally got the hang of watering plants and I like it. I have developed a habit; whenever I get home from work I water my plants. Sometimes I do it on the way from the car to the house in my suit carrying my bag whatever damn thing I am lugging around. Nowhere in my life at the moment is there a more enjoyable yet tricky thing as container gardening on a mostly full sun very pale ass grey patio in Houston, TX, oh and did I mention it is the month that the devil vacations here for the warmth.

I have a motley crew, I mean a diverse array, of plants, actually some of them are mine and some I’m takin’ care of for Kelly. He has this almost 15 year old kumquat that is taller than me and tough as an Irish grandma.- thank you evolutionary process for that one. Anyway, there are a few hibiscus, an orange cosmo, some succulents,- hen and chick in a really cool hand made pot. The best part, at least to me, is that there is a trellis with vining moon flower by night with their huge leathery blossoms and luscious purple Grampa Ott morning glories by morning. (Thank you Bit aka Cath for introducing me to this variety) In this mix I also have 2 elephant ears in pots, Google those bitches. They have HUGE leaves, seriously you could make big girl Betti Page outfits out of them. They are in too small pots so their roots are climbing out the top, I love how it looks even though I know I am sacrificing leaf size for it. One is an almost black dusky green with burgundy veins and stalk, and the other is almost emerald green and a pale yellow green. They run a close second to the trellis.

So because I love this bit of garden I must water it. Historically I have been horrible at watering my plants. I mean to always-do-it-no-matter-what, I do. Somehow stuff comes up, extra hours at the second job, getting to see my friends, spending the night away on a lark.

Well, I have figured out the (obvious to more experienced container gardeners) secret, not only do the plants communicate clearly how often they need water, they are, mostly, a tiny bit forgiving, except for the succulents who are the Blessed Mother Theresa plants in the kindness they show my ways. Now I can look at them and know who needs water today NO-MATTER-WHAT, I have only had1 causality, a vine wild picked, it lasted about 8 months, not too bad. Fortunately the source vine is growing up my fence and I can try again.

4. Letting go and just being or I think it is alright to take a breath, do it with me now, in through the nose, as deep as you can, hold it for a second and now blow slow out your mouth with a relaxed jaw, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . touch wood, you know, just in case.

5. The illusion of control and why my ego won’t shut the fuck up already . . . geeze

6. Realizing the efficient well researched approach to releasing desire is in fact an illustration of desire. I think there is probably an ancient Buddhist story/parable about that somewhere.