Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Outside my window:
It is raining to beat the band. There is a tropical depression in the Gulf and this means buckets of rain for me. The good news is that if I survive the flooding the next few days (which I have off) will be beautiful, sunny and low humidity (for Texas that is).

I am thinking:
Due to a problem with my financial aid I may be having a hard time paying for my last semester this fall. This has caused a crisis of confidence (not to mention a potential delay in grad school). It has made me realize that I am getting far too much of my value from the external (my education and job) and not enough from the internal. I really wish I could learn these lessons in a less dramatic way. This looming doubt about my future has put me in a funk and brought up all sorts of pleasant issues like my value and worth. I wish that when things go wrong I would not turn on myself like a pack of rabid dogs. It really would make life better. The funny thing is that for “real” crises like those that threaten my physical safety or basic needs I feel completely empowered but for non critical crisis (like this one) I immediately become super hard on myself and engage in unhealthy hypercritical behavior and thoughts. Being aware of it certainly helps but it doesn’t always change it. The way I am dealing with it is to go into super self care mode, you know, eat right, sleep, drink water, exercise daily, and avoid caffeine and sugar. I also try to replace the negative with positive but at the moment it feels like a losing battle. Oh joy.

I am thankful for:
A job I LOVE that I am fortunate enough to be good at. A curious mind, the willingness and discipline to self educate.

From the kitchen:
It has been so hot here that the kitchen is pretty closed except for salad and pasta. This weekend I am stuffing a pork loin with cherries and goat cheese and grilling it.

I am wearing:
My usual uniform: navy blue scrubs, white socks, white orthopedic clogs, silver rings and earrings

I am creating:
I am decorating my room in the British Colonial India style. I have never really had a decorating theme before and this is proving to be fun.

I am going:
To go to my first yoga class this weekend. According to the handout for the class it is the best thing since sliced enlightenment and will make me as flexible as a 12 year old Circ du Soleil contortionist. I remain skeptical.

I am reading:
“The Origins and History of Consciousness” by Erich Neumann (a student of CG Jung)

I am hoping:
My financial aid woe will work out and the start for my masters program will not be delayed

I am hearing:
Ravi Shankar “Bridges”

Around the house:
The dust bunnies have mutated into horrible beasts with a vicious streak a mile wide and big nasty pointy teeth

One of my favorite things:
Going to the ocean at dawn with my dog, sun just rising and the beach to myself

A few plans for the rest of the week:
This weekend I am going to finish my deep clean/organization of my room. I am going to take a nice long steam and sauna after my yoga class and perhaps go for a swim after.

Words I am pondering:
“There are 2 kinds of people, those who love you and those who don’t. Those who love you won’t care and those who don’t, don’t matter” John Thomas

Here is a picture I am sharing:
This was taken at my goddaughter's baptism
Left to right
Rae: the adoptive mom
Shirly (in the wheelchair): Rae's mom
Paul: (guy with grey at the temple) Tony's godfather
Tony: (boy to the right of Shirley) Soleil's brother
Me (Christina):(chick with the white shirt) godmother
Tristan: (man with the pink shirt) he is a friend of Shirley


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